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Los Angeles, California
Los Angeles is the hometown and final resting place of Elvis Presley. Los Angeles is also home to the official ancient scrolls of $cientology. Things to do in LA There's always lots to do in LA, but hardly anything is safe to do. If you find yourself in LA, you might try a few of these harmless activities: *MAKE yourself a PVC marshmallow shooter and stage your own mock drive-by shootings. *Visit some of the older neighborhoods - remember to bring your spray can so you can add your name to the local graffiti. *Carjack a new Mercedes, BMW or Escalade. It's a local custom and everybody does it. Avoid carjacking a Prius - those people have cell phones and know how to use them. *Visit the La Brea tar pits and see the bones of animals that lived almost 6000 years ago - and possibly people who disappeared last week. Future of Los Angeles Following the presidential election of 2008, Los Angeles will be the new capital city of the United States. People accustomed to living in Washington D.C. will feel right at home there. Some things Los Angeles has in common with Washington D.C. are: *Huge crime rate - Los Angeles and Washington D.C. have always had a friendly competition over who is the "murder capitol of the world." Sadly, however, they both always seem to lose to Detroit. *Ridiculously inadequate public transportation system. *Like the current make-up of our nation's capitol (and granola), Los Angeles is populated by fruits, flakes and nuts. *Atmosphere of doom everpresent. Added Advantages *Politicians won't have to fly across the country to do their fundraising. Who Lives Here? * filthy Hollywood wieners * their stuck-up lawyers and managers and agents * filthy rich doctors who perform plastic surgery on the botox-hungry lawyers * angry nuclear scientists * The all-knowing Hal Fishman *Tom "Jesus" Cruise *Cedars-Sinai Medical Center *Kanye West One Good thing about Los Angeles Although Los Angeles is the birthplace of Left Coast liberal scum , and seemingly all Homosexuals flock here, one positive thing has occurred in this well-known hell scape. With the help of their Governator, Arnold Swarchenegger ,(a resident of Los Angeles) Los Angelinos have completely destroyed their bear population. The people of this city know that they cannot stop their horrible earthquakes, but they refuse to let the city fall to the Bear Uprising of 2012. Fearing that Stephen Colbert was somehow connected to the dreaded Colbear, Hollywood made sure that the Colbert Report was filmed in New York and not in L.A. where every other show is filmed. Fact: When you visit L.A. and you think you see a fat, hairy, blood-thirsty bear, it is in fact a illegal Mexican immigrant doing whatever he can to destroy America by taking our jobs, taking siestas, and in no way supporting our economy. Because of this, it has been said that Bears and Mexicans are closely related, but this is in fact untrue. Mexicans can be funny when wearing large hats, wearing colorful ponchos, and singing in their ridiculous Mexican language. Bears are never funny. Ok...only when they go on Jay Leno. External Tubes * Map * Pictures